SMST 30: Red Moon!
by ocramed
Summary: It is the year 3 Million CE, and Sailor Moon is off on an adventure with the crew of Red Dwarf! Part of the SMST and TRT series...
1. Chapter 1

**SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

* * *

**Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is a multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This story will be short (almost like an "omake") that will "sample" each series (as opposed to "season") of the "Red Dwarf" program. Thus, there will be eight chapters, plus the movie tie-in (called "Red Dwarf: Back to Earth"). Think of this story as either a "best of" story…or really, REALLY lazy writing. C&C are welcomed.**

**Addendum Note: On second thought, why am I writing this thing, since I have very little talent in humor? Oh, well. Just enjoy the ride, 'cuz I'm writing this thing half-asleep anyway…**

* * *

**Part 1**

* * *

3 Million CE.

This is an SOS 'distress call' from the mining ship 'SS Red Dwarf'. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Third Technician David Lister, who had been placed in suspended animation prior to the accident, and his pregnant cat, which had been safely sealed away in a containment hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions is a life form that evolved from his cat, Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer, a holographic simulation of one of the dead crewmembers, and a self-proclaimed "goddess" named Usagi Tsukino. I am "Holly", the ship's computer with the IQ of 6000, the same IQ of 6000 PE teachers. End: transmission.

Somewhere beyond the rim, past the rainbow, beyond the restaurant at the end of the universe, and beyond the farthest star to right, a meeting was taking place…

"Serena, you already left your old life," Serenity said, as she admonished her daughter. "And besides, Earth is no more."

"Mother, just because YOU gave up, that doesn't mean that I should give up," Serena said. "And besides, being immortal is boring; being an immortal whose body looks like something KISS would create at some rock show is even MORE boring. And Ranma is out there insane."

"Well, I do not think that pretending to be a woman is insane."

"Ranma thinks she's his OWN daughter. No, I shouldn't have left the Universe when I did, but I did. Okay? And I regretted it. Okay? And Ranma is out there. Okay?"

"Okay, I GET it, my daughter," Serenity replied. But you will have to realize that humanity as we know it…is gone."

"Yes, as WE know it. But there is a human below us, and he'll help me find Ranma."

"And why would that human help you do anything?"

"Well…it's in the human capacity to show kindness."

"Okay…"

"And…if that human is male, I can show him a little leg or something."

"Fine, but what if the human is female?"

"Well, then, it'll be just like it was when I went off to college. Heh."

"…"

"But, I'll need this human's help, if I am to find my Ranma again. At the very least, I want to set him straight, because, as he is now, he's anything but."

"So be it. But know that you will not be alone. Your legacy is out there, as you well know, which could complicate matters."

"I know that, Mother. In fact, some of my children are not even human anymore…"

Pause.

"But I'll keep that in mind when I go below."

"Please do, my darling daughter. Your happiness depends on it…"

Serena takes a look at the Universe below here. In fact, there were many universes (or "multi-verse") that she could see. And within those planes were an infinite number of timelines, from the possible to the improbable; what could have been…is, what should be…isn't. Nevertheless, Serena chose one particular Universe, containing the prime Earth (called "Earth-Zero") as a starting point for the search of her beloved Ranma.

"Yah-TAH!" Serena cried out, as she leaped into the unknown. Technically, she could easily put an entire universe in the palm of her hand, given her present state, so she will need to leave behind her cosmic form while becoming her own avatar. As she does, Serena begins to both shrink in size as well as assume corporeal form. She could feel her energy being converted into atom, while her atoms become molecules. Her molecules become amino acids, while those amino acids congeal into cells. Already, Serena begins to feel the dulling of her cosmic awareness, since being non-corporeal does not restrict such things involving the Mind.

When the process was over, Serena, now Usagi, realized that she was humanoid again…in deep space…nude…without a pressure suit.

'Ack!' Usagi thought, as she realized her error. She wasn't prepared for the shift into the corporeal world, which is why she was on the verge of suffocating.

Quickly, Usagi looks around to see a red, hulking space ship, which seemed to move like the behemoth it appeared to be. Using the last bit of her excess energy, Usagi heads for that ship…

"I can't believe everyone is dead," said a beige-skinned man of biracial descent, as he and a dusky-skinned, sharply dressed "catman" roamed the halls.

"Well, believe it, friend," said the catman. He then suddenly stops.

"Most curious," than catman said, as he looked at vending machine.

"Cat, what is it?" asked his companion.

"Just a moment, Dave," the catman said, as he begins to groom himself. "I want to make sure that I look good."

"Okay, so what is the problem?"

"Oh, nothing. I just spotted an imperfection on yours truly in my reflection that machine over there, so I corrected it."

"…"

"But, as you were saying…?"

"I'm saying that everyone is dead, and I only have you and Holly for company."

"What about 'Goal Post-Head'?"

"As I said, I have you and Holly for company. Excuse me, PLEASANT company."

"So what more can you want?"

"Maybe, I don't know…a girl to share fish-and-chips with? Personally, I wish Kochansky had been sacked along with ME."

"Well, buddy, we can always bunk together and continue our rather interesting discussion from yesterday."

"I don't think the philosophical discussion of whether or not Wilma Flintstone was 'hot' would wake me up from my funk," Lister replied.

"Did you say…'funk'?" Cat said, as he begins to gyrate to music that was playing in his mind.

"No, that's NOT what I meant," Lister said, as he shakes his head in disgust.

"What did you NOT mean, Dave?" said a prim-and-trim man, with the letter "H" on his head, as he enters the hallway.

"It's nothing, Rimmer," Lister said. "You wouldn't understand."

"You can tell me, Dave," Rimmer said. "Just don't expect me to care."

"See? THAT is what I mean. I want to be able speak to someone who is neither a narcissist nor a 'git'."

"Since when has this been a problem?" Rimmer said. "You never liked having any authority looking over your shoulders, which allows you to embrace your personal hero."

"And who might THAT be?"

"Pig Pen, of course."

"Of course," Lister said, as he rolls his eyes.

BLIP!

A head appears on a nearby screen.

"Sirs, if you can indulge my curiosity, can you confirm something for me?" said Holly the Computer.

"What is it, Hol?" Rimmer asked. "Did Dave use the toilet dispenser as his personal 'crock pot'?"

"It appears that 'Red Dwarf' hit something. I attempted to use the viewing screen deflectors to wipe it off, but it appears to be sentient."

"Now that is something we can talk about," Cat said.

"Where is it now, Holly?" Lister asked.

"The command observation deck."

"Well, at least the subject is not about Dave's personal hygiene again," Rimmer said flatly…

Lister, Rimmer and Cat arrive at the observation deck.

"I don't see anything out of the ordinary," Dave said.

"Are you sure your sensors are active, and something that was derived from a Colico Vision game system?" Rimmer asked.

"I'll have you know one day, that system will be popular again," Holly replied.

"Hey, guys?" Cat said, as he noticed something, as he taps on Lister's shoulder.

"What is it?" Lister asked.

"I don't think Holly's circuits were malfunctioning this time," Cat said, as he points to the window of the viewing screen that doubled as a forward observation window.

All eyes turn towards the observation window, which had a nude, young woman stuck on the window, while giant window wiper smacks her sides.

"Whoa," Rimmer said. "I didn't know we had entered a dimension where fantasies come true."

"As if you could take advantage of such a thing, you unsubstantiated git," Dave said.

"What are we going to do?" Cat asked. "She's blocking my view!"

As if on cue, the strange phenomenon glowed slightly, as she phased through the window.

SLURRRRP!

"Ah!" Usagi said, as she lands in a crouch. "It's good to breathe fresh air again-"

Suddenly, she makes a face.

"Augh! What's that smell?"

"I believe the source comes from this degenerate over here," Rimmer said with a snarky smile.

"If smell 'B.O.' would be my first experience since regaining a body, I would have reformed without a nose or something…"

"Excuse me?" Lister said with indignity. "But I am standing right here."

Usagi turns her head towards Lister.

"I can smell that."

"I've been trying to get 'monkey boy' to be more like me ever since we met," Cat said.

Usagi turns towards the cat man…

"Nice threads," Usagi smiled.

"Thanks!" Cat said with a broad smile. He then turns towards Lister and Rimmer.

"I like her! Can we keep her?"

A short time later…

"Mmmmph," Usagi, now dressed in coveralls, and with her hair done in her usual Odango hairstyle, was eating mounds of process food in rapid succession.

"A bit piglet she is, eh?" Rimmer said.

"Oh, stop that," Lister replied. "Obviously, this…person is hungry."

"Yeah, so much so that a sign should be posted warning passer-bys about the dangers of feeding strange animals."

"Hey!" Usagi said. "I'm not an animal. I am a goddess."

"Oh, just like my god, 'Cloister the Stupid'," Cat said with a smile.

"Pardon?"

"He referring to the fact that while I was in stasis for three million years, my pet cat and her litter would evolve to create a religion…out of my pet cat's memories of me," Lister said, as re rolled his eyes. "So anyone can be called a 'god'."

"Well, that is one way, but, unlike you, I'm REAL one, not someone who congealed into sentience."

"Well excuse US for not believing in gods, or whatever euphemism there is for religion," Lister said.

"Ah, you're one of those," Usagi said.

"I simply don't believe in a higher power."

"But you believe in evolution."

"Of course. Cat is a perfect example of that FACT."

"But you believe that a lower life form can become a higher life form, correct?"

"Well, sure."

"Then consider me a higher life form when compared to…you, Mr. Lister. And as that boring writer with interesting concept once said, a science can become significantly advanced enough to be perceived as magic to primitive peoples."

"She definitely got a point there," Rimmer said.

"She is definitely NOT have a point," Lister said. "If you are indeed a goddess, while not simply raise the dead?"

"I need time to recover," Usagi said. "And besides, it's not in my domain anymore, being formerly an omnipotent person."

"Then raise ONE person. Either put up, or shut up."

"Okay," Usagi said, as she sniffs the air. She then smiles.

"Okay, you ask for it…"

FLASH!

"Mr. Lister, what are you doing here?" said a large man with an American accident. "Weren't you supposed to be in stasis?"

"Captain Hollister!" Lister said, as he gets up from his seat. "But…but…"

"It's back to stasis with you-"

FLASH!

Captain Hollister disappears.

"Oh, darn," said Usagi disingenuously. "I just couldn't keep up the Flow."

"'The Flow'?" Rimmer asked.

"It's like the Force except with none of the commitment."

"…"

"Okay, I'll take your word for it," Lister said. "Just don't do that again."

With that, Lister exits the dining room.

Rimmer turns towards Usagi.

"THAT was brilliant," Rimmer said. He then mused a bit.

"Say, can you give me a body?"

"Eh, we'll see," Usagis said. "Like I told your friend, I need time to recover."

"Ah, good one," Rimmer said with a wink and a nod. "You want to remain in control of the situation."

"Um, no, it's true. For that demonstration, I simply chose someone whom your friend would be nervous about, as a way of getting him off my back."

"Riiiiight. Well, your secret is safe with ME."

And, with that, Rimmer leaves the room to harass Lister.

Usagi turns towards Cat.

"Is he…?"

"Yes, he is," said Cat. "He's an egotistical idiot."

"Huh…"

**Tbc.**


	2. Chapter 2

**SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

* * *

**Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is a multi-genre story.**

* * *

**Part 2**

* * *

_This is an SOS 'distress call' from the mining ship 'SS Red Dwarf'. The crew is dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors are Third Technician David Lister, who had been placed in suspended animation prior to the accident, and his pregnant cat, which had been safely sealed away in a containment hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions is a life form that evolved from his cat, Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer, a holographic simulation of one of the dead crewmembers, and a self-proclaimed "goddess" named Usagi Tsukino. _

_Addendum: As the days go by, we face the inevitable conclusion that the crew is nothing more than mere playthings of some unknown, cruel cosmic entity…with ADD. End transmission._

* * *

Months later…

"Rise and shine, everyone," Usagi said, as she bang on the table in Lister and Rimmer quarters.

"Oy," Lister said, as he rolls over in his bunk. "Do you HAVE to wake me up in the morning?"

"Hey, it was either me in charge, or Rimmer," Usagi said. "And I KNOW that you hate performing duties involving 'ship operations'. Or do I need to remind you of that officer's examination fiasco?"

"Yeah, yeah," Lister said, as he gets out of his bunk while scratching his stomach. He then looks around.

"Hey, where's Rimmer anyway?"

"Oh, he's doing his calisthenics," Usagi said, as she jots down notes on her clipboard.

"But…he's a hologram," Lister said. "That's like me belching to the tune of 'God Save the Queen', and calling it a symphony."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about it," Usagi said. "I made modifications to his holographic emitter…"

"Like WHAT?"

Down in the cargo hold, the hologram Rimmer is jogging around the parameter in an endless loop. He was obviously showing signs of being over-worked.

"I'm…going…to…make…meatball…head…pay…for this!" Rimmer said, just as he was about to pass Cat, who was lounging in a lounge chair.

"Hey, CAT!" Rimmer said, as he slows down a bit while jogging in place. "How many laps was that?"

Cat removes the cucumbers from his eyes and looks up at Rimmer.

"What is it, 'Goal Post'?" Cat said. "Can't you see I'm taking a beauty sleep?"

"You're suppose to be counting my laps around the parameter, 'smeg-head'," Rimmer said.

"Oh. Right. Um, that was 'one'."

Rimmer growls, as he continues his jog.

"I'm REALLY going to make meatball head pay for this!"

Later that morning at the command area…

"Okay, thanks for your arrival to this morning meeting," said Usagi, as the crew of the Red Dwarf arrives. "And I would like to especially thank Rimmer for his 'considerable' work on converting my shower into a paint dispenser."

At the moment, Usagi was covered in a blue paint that was that stained her skin.

"Wow, you look like 'Smurfette'," Lister said, as he drank his coffee.

"Well, it doesn't look bad," said Cat. "You look kind of sexy, Captain."

"Ah, yes, well, unfortunately, I'll have to undergo a skin peel…literally."

"Well, look at this way," Rimmer said. "You'll no longer be depressed."

"I'm not depressed- oh," Usagi said with realization. "Ha, ha, Rimmer."

"See? She proved she's quick on the uptake," Rimmer said, as he sipped the equivalent of a holographic beverage. Since coming to the mining ship Red Dwarf, Usagi has been making changes to ship operations, while allowing some latitude to take place. Lister didn't mind Usagi being in charge, though Rimmer, always power-hungry, did. It wasn't until Holly delved into the ship's records that it was learned that Usagi was a qualified starship captain, which made the issue of who was in charge moot.

Not that Usagi's status would stop Rimmer from scheming against her command, when it suits him…

"ANYWAY, this is our present situation," Usagi said, as she activates the main holographic projector. It shows the picture of the so-called "Three Galaxies", which consists of the Milky Way, the Andromeda Galaxy and the Triangulum Galaxy. "When Red Dwarf was placed in its original quarantine, it stayed on a fixed, orbital trajectory that led it to the center of the Three Galaxies."

"Holly, why didn't you turn around to Earth earlier?" Lister asked.

"Well, they say that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line," Holly said.

"But you piloted the ship on a circular orbit, you daft computer," Rimmer said.

"Well, my navigation sensors use a convex lens systems."

"Huh."

"Anyway, as soon as Red Dwarf returned to the Milky Way, Kat's people began to make preparations for the eventual return to Earth, except that civil war broke out over the color of…hats."

"Hey, if you're fashion conscious, this can be a very important thing to consider," Cat protested.

"Nevertheless, we have to deal with the notion that the supplies are not plentiful, and that we will need refueling."

"Well, there's only me, you, Cat and Holly," Lister said.

"Excuse me?" Rimmer protested.

"Oh, and Rimmer."

"THANK YOU," Rimmer said. "Just because I am a hologram, that doesn't mean I don't have feelings."

"Rimmer, holograms don't have feelings, and you never HAD feelings when you were flesh and blood."

"I would think that I had grown from my experiences."

"That's bloody unlikely…"

"Gentle beings, we can deal with the exposition stuff later," Usagi said. "As of now, given our present level of technology, it will take us no less than seven years to reach Earth…assuming that it's still there."

"Can't you use that mumbo-jumbo you're always spouting?" Rimmer asked.

"It's called 'magic', and I told you that it will be a while before I am at my peak again. For now, I'm training my body so that I CAN do 'mumbo-jumbo'."

"And again, there's no such thing a magic and all the other superstitious nonsense," Lister said. "All it is psychic energy personified."

"You say 'tomato', and I say I'll make you a believer."

"When you can bring back Kolchanski, then we'll deal."

"You're on-"

"Oh, before I forget, we're picking up a signal," Holly said.

"What is it, Holly?" Usagi asked.

"What is what?"

"You just mentioned a signal Red Dwarf just picked up," Lister said.

"Um…"

"He forgot," Cat said, as he shook his head.

Usagi sighed. Trying to get Holly's computer core up to par was like trying to find a needle in a haystack, after realizing it was stuck in one's rump.

"Holly, re-scan the area for ANY anomaly," Usagi said. "Focus on possible intelligent contact."

"Maybe it'll be aliens," Rimmer said excitedly.

"What's with you an aliens anyway?" Lister asked.

"Well, if we find an alien, maybe he, she or it can help me by creating a new body."

"I seriously doubt that will be possible," Usagi said. "They would need a sample worthy of using to make the body."

"In other words, you'll come back as toad," Cat said. "Although, you would look nice as a rat."

"Ha, ha," Rimmer said. "Very funny…"

"Contact has been made," Holly said. "It's from an ancient Earth, the 'SS Nova-5'."

"Patch the signal to the 'Ops'," Usagi said.

CHIRP!

An android with an unusually shaped head appears on screen.

"Thank goodness!" said the android. "My name is 'Kryten'. I am a service mechanoid aboard the SS Nova-5. We had a terrible accident. All the male crewmembers died on impact. The female crewmembers are alive with stable condition. Please help us."

"Did he say female?" Cat said, as he perked up.

"How many?" Rimmer asked.

"Three, sir," Kryten replied. "They are Miss Jane, Miss Tracy and Miss Ann. I am transmitting medical details to you now."

The screen splits into photos and data of the mentioned crewmates. They were conveniently blond, redhead, and brunette…

"Hot damn," Rimmer said. "Babes."

"Like YOU can take advantage of the situation," Lister said. "I'd see Usagi taking advantage of the situation than you do."

"Well, I have something that Usagi doesn't have," Rimmer said, as he tried to thump his chest in a bravado way.

"Narcissism?"

"No, being a guy."

"So you're saying that I could not please a woman?" Usagi said.

"You do realize that you are a woman?" Rimmer said, as he stuck his hands up in quotations.

"And do YOU realize that you lack substance?" Usagi asked.

"Look, Usagi, at least meeting these new birds will give us an outlet," Lister said.

"I suppose so," replied Usagi, remember how she caught the male peeping a few times in the past month. "But remember, this is a rescue mission, not a opportunity to pick up 'babes'."

"No problem," Rimmer said, "I will be both an officer…and a gentleman."

"Good," Usagi said. She turns towards Holly.

"Holly, what is our ETA to Kryten's position?"

"We can get there on impulse power within 24 hours," Holly said. "Or a day, which ever is fastest."

"Best speed then," Usagi said, as she sweated bullets. She then turns towards the image of Kryten. "Kryten, we will be at your position ASAP."

"Understood, mum," Kryten said. "We will be waiting."

"Looking forward to meeting to you," Usagi said with a smile. "Red Dwarf: out."

"Chirp!"

"Well, I don't know about you, but my six nipples are tingling," Cat said with a smile, before leaving Ops. "Last one in the shower has to pick up the soap-!"

"Look, this a mission of mercy, and you two are acting like creeps," Lister said.

"Oh, don't be that way, 'Sir Galahad'," Rimmer said. "You know you're looking forward to some 'pudding', especially after failing to get into 'Fortress Usagi' the other night."

"What was that?" Usagi asked, after seeing Lister trying to shush Rimmer.

"It's nothing, Usagi," Lister replied.

"Pity, because I wouldn't have minded," Usagi said with a wink and a smile, as she saunters out of Ops.

"Thanks a lot, Rimmer," Lister said tersely.

"No problem," Rimmer said with smugness. "But, at least you'll have a second chance at some 'action'…"

After arriving at Red Dwarf arrived at its destination, and after Usagi ordered her crewmates to wear regulation space gear for search and rescue purposes, the crew arrives at their destination…

"Next time, put your socks in the laundry dispenser," Usagi said, as she scrunches her nose.

"Hey, my socks don't smell that bad," Lister said.

"The authorities would have to declare your socks a bio-hazard sooner or later," Rimmer said.

"What I don't understand is why Cat get to have the gold colored space suit," Lister asked.

"Because I make everyone else look good," Cat said.

"See?" Usagi replied.

SHOOP!

"Hello, and welcome to the 'SS Nova-5'," Kryten said with a bow.

"Kryten," Usagi said with a nod. "I'm Captain Usagi Tsukino, this is my First Officer Arnold Rimmer, my Second Officer David Lister and…Cat."

Due to Usagi's status, Usagi could grant field commissions. However, because of Rimmer's incompetence and conniving attitude, and Lister's lack of motivation, theyr only received the designations of "Acting Ensigns", which really means all the work and none of the benefits. As for Cat, well, Cat was Cat, and was treated like a civilian member of the crew…when he wasn't admiring himself in the mirror.

"Yep," Cat said happily. "And where are the women?"

"Er, yes. What is the status of your remaining crew?"

"Oh, they are about to have dinner," Kryten replied. "Follow me."

"Well, piece of cake, then," Lister said with a smile.

"I can't wait to see some babes," Rimmer said. "I just hope that their appearance match the photos that was sent to us. The last thing I need is to meet fat girls…"

Unfortunately, upon entering the dining room, they saw skeletons, of the three aforementioned women.

"Well, their 'weight' is the least of their problems," Lister said.

"Oh, boy," Usagi said. "No wonder I didn't sense anything…"

It turned out so dedicated was Kryten to his purpose that the android "forgot" that his caretakers had died centuries ago. However, after securing the remains into status, and salvaging what was useful from the SS Nova-5, Kryten was given a new home and a new purpose…

"So you think I can serve you well, Captain?" Kryten asked.

"No, your purpose is to serve the needs of the ship," Usagi smiled, as she modified the circuits in Kryten's head. "Like the rest of us."

CLICK!

"There," Usagi said, as secured the top of the mechanoid's head. "You are fully capable of autonomy."

"But, I still need to do something, mum," Kryten said, as he rubs the top of his head.

"Well, we have plenty of jobs and professions around here," Lister said, as he continues to read his magazine.

"I see…

"Just chose one and get on with it," Rimmer said with annoyance. He was still made that Usagi made him stop using Kryten as his personal servant.

"And remember, the position of 'sexy-fine' has been taken by yours truly," Cat said.

"Then…I will endeavor to learn them all, for the good of the crew and the ship," Kryten replied with a smile.

"Good," Usagi said, as she pulls up a huge binder and dropping it on the table.

BAM!

"I need these records tabulated and cross-referenced," Usagi said.

"…"

"Hey, why are you giving him that job?" Lister asked.

Usagi simply points to Holly, whose head was being used for a pong screen saver.

"Ah, point taking," Lister replied.

**Tbc.**

* * *

**Author's Note: I want to use existing sci-fi references that Red Dwarf could come across while on its way back to Earth. Since this is a part of a meta-fic, humanity as we know it has become the equivalent of Vorlons (since the "Babylon 5" series is mixed with the "Star Trek" series and others). So, what would Ranma be like in the year 3 million CE? What friends/rivals/enemies could possibly be around still? Let me know what you think. At any rate, I have seven more chapters to go, one per season/series before the conclusion of this story. Later!**


	3. Chapter 3

**SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

* * *

**Disclaimer: SM, R1/2, ST, Red Dwarf and other properties belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is a multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: Each chapter will represent a "series". Thus, the third part of this story represents the later half of the second year of Usagi's stay on the mining ship, "SS Red Dwarf". **

* * *

**Part 3**

* * *

Danger. Do not attempt to open this box. The creature inside is extremely hostile. It feeds off the human psyche. It seeks out the deranged, the unbalanced and the emotionally crippled…

Acting Captain Usagi Tsukino was in her quarters, drinking wine and flipping through a photo album, when-

CHIRP-CHIRP!

"Come," Usagi repled.

SHOOP!

Acting Ensign Dave Lister enters the room, causing Usagi to look up.

"Oh, hey Dave," Usagi said, as she breathes a sigh.

"Hey," Lister said, as he hands over the status report of the Red Dwarf. "As usual, nothing happened during the 'nightshift'…like every other night, I might add."

"Thanks," Usagi replied, as she accepted the report mindlessly, before putting it on her desk.

"You know, your insistence on running a tight ship is a ludicrous as trying to get Members of Parliament to use less sophisticated words that are synonymous with the word 'smeg'."

"Uh-huh…"

Lister could see that there was something bothering with Usagi, so he sat down.

"Okay, what's wrong?" Lister asked. "Did Rimmer insult you again for insisting that we travel to the Stygian Spires of Hades 9, in order to complete your 'Hello Kitty' collection?"

"Huh?" Usagi asked. "Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about my twins Punch and Julie…"

"Ah," Lister said in understanding. "Look, you know that it was all for the best, in order for them to have a normal life in the 'Opposite Gender Dimension'."

"Well, sorry, but I don't want to be a 'dead beat father', you know? It's one thing to know that I successfully impregnated a male version of me, but to force giving up custody due to some strange anomaly that cause children of opposite gender folks to age rapidly…well, it was unfair."

"'Unfair'?" Lister said. "The FEMALE me managed to impregnate ME, breaking the laws of physics and biology in process. MY children grew inside me, before I SQUEEZED them out of me 'junk'."

Pause.

"Smeg, I missed that. But the point is that I know what you're going through, but I learned to move on, knowing that me twin boys have grown up to be fine young me. You will have to trust whatever bond you managed to have your kids, and hope THAT will be enough for your kids to remember you fondly."

Usagi ponders Lister's words.

"You know, you're right," Usagi said, as she closed her album. "I can't live in the past. It's just that when I returned from the higher dimensions, I had hoped that if and when I have a child, I would be a mother. With being a father, I have the urge to watch a ball game with my feet propped up, a beer in one hand and a another down my pants."

"And there you go," Lister said with a smile. "That's sound like you're becoming…a man."

"Gods, I hope THAT is NOT the case," Usagi said with a chuckle. "Otherwise, it might be a sign that I have been hanging around you and the others for a bit too long."

Pause.

"Dave, thanks for cheering me up," Usagi said.

"Any time, 'skipper'," Lister said with a smile. "Oh, you want to have breakfast with me and the Cat?"

"Eh, maybe not," Usagi said. "I don't think I can go for 'coffee grind omelets' this early in the morning."

"You're loss…"

Later…

"Good Morning Rimmer, Khryton," Usagi said, as she enters 'Operations', the designated nerve center of the SS "Red Dwarf".

"Ah, here she is," Acting Lieutenant Arnold Rimmer, who was, unfortunately, the designated "First Officer" of the ship…by simply being in existence.

"Good Morning, Mum," said the service mechanoid Khryton, who was tidying Ops.

"So, got any more adventures we all can partake this morning, so you can continue your collection of inconsequential trinkets?" Rimmer said sarcastically.

"I wonder, Rimmer, how you would function when you realize your dream as Alexander the Great's chief eunuch?" Usagi said, as she begins to look at the sensor logs of the day.

"Don't let Mr. Rimmer bate you into giving him his life long ambition, mum," Khryton said.

"Oh, shut up, you hexagonal git!"

"I do not need to take insults from a hologram whose definition of a good time is to arrange his collection of poetry based upon the title having the same initials of his own name!" Khryton said with indignation, as he left. "Humph!"

Usagi giggles, as she takes her seat while Khryton leaves Ops.

"So, you're up early, Rimmer," Usagi said. "What are you up to?"

"As I told Khryton, I was just watching some pictures of my family," Rimmer said. "She was a fine woman who breed fine children."

"So I guess she rolled 'snake eyes' when you were born, eh?" Usagi replied.

"And I suppose YOU are a better example of the human condition than someone like me?" Rimmer asked.

"Let's just say that even if you were alive, you'd still have no substance to you."

"Humph!"

"Sorry to be a bother, skipper, but it appears that we might have an alien intruder on board," said Holly the Computer. Inspired by the meeting with the female AI from the Opposite Gender Universe, Holly reconfigured her interface from a balding, dimwitted male to a blond bimbo. So it was a lateral move, as far as everyone on board was concerned…

"What the analysis on it, Holly?" Rimmer asked.

"How should I know?" the ship's computer replied.

"Holly, you just informed us that there was an alien intruder," Usagi said. She has GOT to rework Holly's AI to be more efficient one day.

"That's like saying you're giving us a car, and neglecting the fact that it doesn't have any wheels."

"Oh. Sorry about that then," Holly said. "Working. Oh, the alien intruder is somewhere on the habitation deck, but I cannot determine its place of origin nor its species."

"Well, that makes it a little better," Rimmer said, as he rolls his eyes.

"Well, we better let the others know that we have an unwanted guest," Usagi said, as she prepares to call up Lister and Cat.

CHIRP!

"Ops to Lister."

Nothing.

"Ops to Lister, this is Usagi, come in!" Usagi said.

Still nothing.

"We better get down to Lister's to see what's the problem," Usagi said, as she gets up.

"Maybe I should stay here to direct operations, since I am the designated First Officer," Rimmer replied.

"Oh, how manly you are," Usagi said with a smirk. "Here I am, a woman, going to investigate a possibly dangerous situation, and you, a hologram, afraid to escort me down there?"

"You're the acting captain. You know, all that equality mumbo-jumbo?"

"Rimmer, we women-folk simply want to be taken seriously as equals in the professional world."

"If you want to be taken seriously, stop putting your pantyhose to hang in the lavatory. It's hard to 'go' thinking that I'm in some boutique just off the red light district."

"Rimmer, you are a hologram."

"Hey, it's the principal of the thing."

Usagi merely rolls her eyes.

Nevertheless, after much prodding, Usagi and Rimmer arrive to Lister's quarters, and see Khryton between Lister's legs.

"Get them off of me!" Lister cries out.

"Don't worry, sir!" Khryton said. "I'll get your boxers off!"

"Um, are we interrupting anything?" Usagi said.

"Well, it had to happen," Rimmer said.

"What?"

"I was wondering when Lister would snap for you being such a tease."

"…"

"I got them, sir!" Khryton said, as he holds up a pair of tiny, red boxers.

Usagi's senses rang out…

"Khryton, put those drawers into a containment field," Usagi ordered.

"But mum-"

POP!

A huge monster appears.

"RROWRL!" the monster said, as it barely fits into Dave's quarters.

"What's going on, guys-?" Cat said, as he enters Lister's quarters. He then sees the monster.

"Oh, dear," Cat said with shock. "Worse than a person without a fashion sense is THIS ugly thing-"

"RRROWRL!"

"Ahhhh!" everyone screams.

However, some sort of tubular, tentacle-like tongues snake out of its mouth, and plant a tubular onto the head of each of the crewmembers.

SUCK!

"Arrrrgh!" Usagi said. "My brain-!"

"Not…a…loss…!" Rimmer said, as he and the others succumbs to the attack.

Later…

"The polymorph has returned to the cargo hold," Holly said. "Know doubt, you four provided it with enough of your special qualities to fill a banquet hall."

"What are we going to do?" Homeless Cat said with worry, now dressed like a homeless man, as he sucked on a bottle of wine from a brown bag.

"We will need to form a sub-committee to assess the situation," said a more intellectual Rimmer, who sported thick glasses, a goatee and a pipe. "I will now allow our most senior and valued member of this illustrious crew to set the agenda."

"Okay, men, we have to do this right," Usagi said in a pseudo-manly voice, as she looked totally butch, including having a bowl haircut. She wore a t-shirt that that had two Greek symbols for woman linked together.

"Damn right we do!" Space Marine Lister raged. "We got to find that thing, and kill it! If necessary, we strap a warhead on me back, and use a kamikaze attack on it. Ka-pow!"

"Perhaps we can use Mr. Lister as bait for a laugh?" Guilt-free Khryton replied.

"Yeah, now, that is what I'm talking about!"

"We could consider that for our next scheduled meeting," Smart Rimmer said.

"We need to know more about it first," Butch Usagi said to Holly with a smile, thinking about wanting to have her way with the female computer. "Holly?"

"Apparently, the polymorph is not alien, but, in fact, a research project conducted by clandestine organization known as Section 31," Holly said. "Using samples taken from the Changelings, Section 31 hoped to create its own shapeshifters. However, the project failed because the test subject became insane, due to the fact that the researchers gave it psychic abilities. Thus, it was sealed away for all time."

"Until now," Butch Usagi said, as she straddles her chair like a man. "Holly, is there a way to reverse what happened to us? Not that I don't mind being a Femizon, but I want to be able to make love to my Ranma without throwing up in disgust afterwards."

"Your collective conditions will return to normal, if the polymorph is destroyed," Holly said.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Space Marine Lister said. "There is a body-bag with that thing's name on it, and I aimed to be the zipper!"

"What's the point?" asked Homeless Cat. "There IS not point!"

"No, the point is we should invite the creature to a conference in order to discuss the rationale of its actions," Intellectual Rimmer said.

"As long we get to feed you to the thing first, I agree," replied Guilt-free Khryton.

A short time later, the crew was in the cargo hold, tracking the polymorph down. With blasters in hand, Lister and Usagi took point. It should be noted that Usagi wasn't wearing a bra, since she felt that bras was nothing more than something that men use to put women in their place.

Meanwhile, Intellectual Rimmer was holding a peace sign, while Cat stumbled about as Khryton taunted the polymorph into eating the humanoids.

"Where is that thing?" Space Marine Lister said, as he twirls his bat.

"It may not be here," Usagi replied. "Let's go to the next section…"

Just as the group rounds the bend, the polymorph appears.

"RROWRL!"

"Get it!" Space Marine Lister yells, as he discharge heat seekers.

CHOOM-CHOOM!

Two glowing spheres shoot out, and gave chase to the creature.

"That thing is fast!" Space Marine Lister said. "I LOVE the chase!"

"What is the point?" Cat said. "Nothing IS the point!"

"Perhaps a sub-committee could be inaugurated in order to get public feedback perhaps?" Intellectual Rimmer said.

"Perhaps we can use someone as bait?" Khryton suggested.

"I will volunteer," Butch Usagi said. "If men now disgust me, then I shall gladly give up my life."

"Good idea, mum!"

Soon Usagi was alone.

"Here I am!" Usagi replied. "There is more to me than meets the eye-!"

"RRROWRL!"

"Ahhh-!"

"Got you, you git!" Lister said, as he leaped from a higher crate, lands on his feet, and-

CHOOM!

A heat seeker hits its mark, destroying the creature in the process.

BOOM!

With the creature dead, everyone's minds return to normal.

"Ohhhhhh," Usagi said. "What happened?"

"It appears we're back to normal, I guess," Lister said, disgusted by his own bloodlust.

"Not all of us are," Cat said, as he strolls out of hiding. "Look at me! It'll take a day in order for me to get back to my state of perfection."

"YOU have a problem?" Usagi said. "It'll take me forever to get my hair back to its normal length-"

"Oh, I'm sorry for having such awful thoughts!" Khryton said. "I should commit suicide…"

"No, Khryton, we all weren't ourselves today," Rimmer said.

"So you are not an intellectual after all, eh?" Lister said.

"Feh."

"Well, what's done is done," Usagi said. "We'll do an inspection of the cargo hold later…"

As the crew returns to the habitation deck, a second polymorph slowly creeps up to the crew, only to be "tagged" by the heat-seekers from Lister's first attack.

BOOM!

"What was that?" Usagi asked.

"Probably something in the pipes," Rimmer replied.

"Huh."

**Tbc.**


	4. Chapter 4

**SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

* * *

**Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST, RD and other genres belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is a multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This chapter takes place during the fourth year of Usagi's stay aboard the mining ship, SS "Red Dwarf".**

* * *

**Part 4**

* * *

In an alternate timeline, in the past…

"This is Commander Arnold Rimmer," said the dashing test pilot, as he makes his final approach to the Starfleet Test Base on Mimas, Saturn. "I am coming in for approach."

"Did you hear that?" said Chief Engineer David Lister. "Ace is back!"

"What a guy!" Flight Instructor Ranma Saotome said proudly. "I should know, since I taught him everything that he knows…"

Soon, Ace is seen walking down the hallway, to sound of hands clapping.

"Oh-ho, there," Ranma said with a smile, as he hugged his former student and friend.

"Hey, sensei," Ace said. "Did I do well…or what?"

"You did better than expected, my padawan," Ranma said jokingly. "But tell me, how did you manage to avoid that gravity well like that?"

"Well, as you have always taught me, if you treat a woman who can't cook curry insensitively, expect to receive the proverbial mallet."

"Exactly. Anyway, rumor has it that Starfleet wants a volunteer for a special test flight of a dimensional hopper."

"Ah, the best kind, besides the bed kind."

"Well, just check in with station chief for your debriefing. He might divulge more information about it during then."

"Will do, sensei."

"Oh, you still want to go for drinks later on? I just got accepted into Starfleet Academy, so I want to properly."

"Ah, congratulations, old chum," Ace said. "You've finally returned to your roots. I tell you what, the first round of drinks is on me."

"Thanks, Ace."

"But until then, smoke me a kipper…I'll be back for breakfast in the morning."

And, with that, Ace continues his walk down the corridor of the base.

"What a guy!" Ranma said, as he goes about his business. "If I wasn't so hetero, I used my girl form to get him in the sack-!"

Meanwhile, back in the regular timeline, and in the distant future…

"Sir, ma'am," said Khryton, as he fidgets with worry. "We will not make our trajectory if we do not leave immediately."

"Settle down, Khryton," Usagi said, as she continued to tinker with a holo-emitter she had been working on for a while now. "I just need a little bit of time…"

"Come on, now," Dave said, as he glanced around to see if Rimmer was still asleep in his bunk.

"Just a second," Usagi said, as she sits a light module quietly on the table. "All I need to do…is THIS."

BLIP!

A holographic image of a sleeping Dave Lister appears.

"I didn't know you were working on this," Dave said. "Now Rimmer can have a real girlfriend…"

Dave motions to a blow-up doll that sat motionlessly in a corner.

"Well, I felt bad for beating you guys up, every time you try to get into my pants…with me still in them," Usagi said. "So, I was working on creating a means to expand the ability to generate more holograms for company."

"And this?"

"This was from your file. Had Rimmer, and not you, been stuck in a stasis chamber for 3 million years, you and Rimmer's places would have been exchanged."

"Doubtful," Lister replied. "Most likely, his holographic companion would've been the cleaning lady whom he fancied towards the end…"

BLIP!

"Okay, it should be stable enough to keep Rimmer occupied for a while we have some fun on that ocean world back there."

"Good," Lister replied, as he picks up his fishing gear quietly. "The less Rimmer knows, the better…"

As Lister and Usagi crept out of Lister's shared quarters, Lister accidentally bumps into bumps into a nearby table.

WOMP!

Everyone stay very still for a moment…

"I think we should leave now, sir, ma'am," Khryton said.

However…

"Lights," Rimmer said, as he rolls out of bed.

"Drat," Usagi replied.

"Why are you sneaking out like that?"

"We, um, want to recreate scenes from 'Jaws'?" Lister offered.

Rimmer merely stares Dave disapprovingly.

"…"

"Um, help me, skipper?" Lister pleaded towards Usagi.

"Actually we are conducting a scientific experiment to measure the ocean depths," Usagi said with a sweat drop.

"Oh, really?" Rimmer said. "I suppose that these things you and Lister have are NOT actually fishing equipment, and are, in fact, some disguised sensor equipment?"

"We're just trying to trick the life forms into believing that we are harmless, sir," said Khryton.

"Feh, you wouldn't be able to trick a gerbil if you offered your butt as the scenic route to some ungodly act of loving making!" Rimmer yelled. "And I KNOW you guys are going fishing."

"We're NOT going fishing, Rimmer-" Lister protested, just as Cat enters the room.

"Come on, so that we won't wake up 'goal post head'," Cat said. As always, he made fishing look stylish.

"The jig is up, I'm afraid, sir," said Khryton. "Mr. Rimmer knows."

"Oh. So, what are we waiting for? Let's hurry and leave him behind!"

"Okay, okay," Lister. "We just didn't want to hear you go on and on about anything concerning your childhood."

"Well, blame 'meatball head', here for being open…as a part of my therapy, you know!"

"Don't put this all on me, Rimmer!" Usagi replied. "I said open yourself up, not open yourself up by talking about boring things that is the equivalent of elephant tranquilizers."

"Humph. Can I still come along?"

"Let's see…NO," Cat said.

"No, let's allow Mr. Rimmer to come with us."

"YOU, I don't need permission to be allowed to do anything, you flat head twit!"

"Fine, you can come, but NO stories, okay?" Lister said. He then turns towards Usagi.

"Is that okay with you, skipper?"

"I suppose so," Usagi said.

"THANK you-" Rimmer said.

"Besides, we can always use a distraction, in case we run into an alien monster or something."

"Right- WHAT?"

"Never mind that," Lister said. "So, you're coming or not?"

"I vote for 'not'," Cat whispered into Khryton's ear.

"Alright, I'm coming," Rimmer said happily. He then turns to the viewing screen.

"Holly? I'm ready to be transferred for mobility."

Fem-Holly appears…with a fishing hat.

"You're coming?" Fem-Holly said with a perturbed look. "Oh, crap."

Rimmer turns towards Usagi.

"You and Lister invited Holly over ME?" Rimmer asked in shock and amazement.

"Well…" Usagi said with a look of embarrassment.

Soon, Starbug-1 is underway. Unfortunately, during the time, Rimmer, being Rimmer, either bored the crew incessantly by prattling on about his hobbies, which including photos of 20th century telephone poles, or bugged Khryton about every little detail about his piloting skills, which ended with Rimmer calling the mechanoid a "git".

"I can't take that guy," Cat said, as he and Lister sit around drinking beer. "I rather go 'nobbler' hunting."

A 'nobbler' was a large, black, female "toy" that Lister used to find a lot while fishing in the streams around his old stomping ground back on Earth in the UK…

"Maybe you can go through the skipper's quarters?" Lister said.

"Hey, I told you…that is a 'massager'," Usagi said. "And I told you guys about going through my things."

"Hey, you're the one who keep the keys to the locker where the smokes are," Lister said. "And another thing, based upon the sounds I've been hearing lately in your room, that's some 'massage'."

"Humph!"

Rimmer then enters the lounge area.

"Well, it looks like we're arriving soon," Rimmer said. "In the meantime, as the person in charge of morale, I suggest that we sing camp songs to pass the time-"

WEEE-OOO! WEEE-OOO! WEEE-OOO-!

"Saved by the bell!" Cat said.

"Holly, what the heck is THAT?" Rimmer said.

"And what alert color are we at?" Usagi asked. "I've never seen THAT color before."

""Purple Alert' means that we're picking up a spatial distortion," Fem-Holly replied. "More serious than a 'Blue Alert', but not as serious as a 'Red Alert'."

"Huh."

"Sirs, according our sensors, we're going to crash into something big," Khryton said.

"Impact position, everyone!" Usagi said, as she moves to the cockpit.

"What are we suppose to do?" Rimmer said nervously.

"Yeah, I don't want to lose my fashion sense," Cat said.

"Just…get a magazine to read and relax," Lister said, as he pulls out a leaflet.

"Huh?" Rimmer said.

"It's said that when bracing for a crash, it's good to relax. Reading helps."

"Then get me a copy of 'GQ', then," Cat said, as he reached for a magazine.

"I only have 'Cosmopolitan'."

"Good enough."

"What about me?" Rimmer asked.

"I don't have a copy of 'Woodshop Monthly'," Lister said.

"Very funny. But what about Usagi?"

"Just leave it to me, gents," Usagi said, as she strapped into her seat in the cockpit. "I've been certified to be a rather accomplish pilot, though it has been a while since I had to deal with this sort of crisis."

"When was THAT?" Rimmer asked.

"Oh…2.5 millions ago or so, but who's counting?"

"…"

"Everyone, buckle up, because we're in for a bumpy ride-!"

Ten minutes later…

After impacting the incoming object, Starbug-1 lands on the water planet that they were intended to go to in the first place. Unfortunately, although the impact was minimal, the starboard engine felt the brunt of the impact. Now, there was no way to achieve escape velocity…

"Well, we made it," Lister said, as he checked his crewmates in the lounge area.

"Yeah, and now we're maroon, than to Meatball Head," Rimmer said.

"Oh no!" Cat cried out, as if wincing in pain.

"Cat, what is it?" Lister said.

"Did you know that I tore my sequence pants?" Cat said, as he points to a hole in his pants. "We're going to need a specialist to get these things right."

"…"

"Hey," Usagi said, as she goes out into the back. "Is everyone okay?"

"Yes, not thanks to YOU," Rimmer said.

"ANYWAY, I want a complete inspection of this craft, so that we won't have any unforeseen problems-"

BANG-BANG!

"What was that?" Rimmer said.

"Maybe it's a monster?" Lister said mocking.

"Oh no! I don't want to die!"

"If he doesn't shush up, I'll oblige him," Cat said, as he begins to sew up his pants. "This is a delicate situation, you know!"

"Holly, scan for…what's making that noise," Usagi said.

"Scanning," Fem-Holly said. "Oh, dear…"

"What is it, Hol?" Lister said

"It's…Arnold Rimmer, but there is a weird aura around him."

"Wait, how can there be two of me?" Rimmer panic.

"Hopefully, it's a better on," Lister said.

BANG-BANG!

"Holly, run a diagnostic check on your system, an rescan," Usagi said.

"Working," Fem-Holly said. "Sensors recalibrated. Scanning. No change."

"Well, let's see who that is," Usagi said, as she proceeds to open the airlock.

"But that could be a monster!" Rimmer said.

"You'll be fine," Lister said, as he gets his blaster.

"And why is THAT?"

"You are a hologram, sir," Khryton said.

"Oh, yeah…"

"Ready, people?" Usagi said, as she prepares to undo the hatch.

"Ready," Lister replied.

"One, two, three…"

BLIP!

CHUNK!

A few minutes later, a handsomer version of Arnold Rimmer, dressed in a tin-foil flight suit, comes in.

"Hello," said the doppelganger, as he greets the stunned crew of Red Dwarf. "The name's 'Commander Rimmer', Arnold Rimmer…but my friends call me 'Ace'."

"Wow," everyone said in unison.

"Anyway, sorry for that mishap," Ace said. "I was blinder than a priest in a confessional booth, when I jumped from my dimension to yours…and into your craft. Anyway, I'm here to help."

"Already an improvement over OUR Rimmer," Cat said with a toothy smile, as he received a dirty look from Rimmer…

"Well, Ace," said Usagi with a smile. For some reason, she was finding herself attracted to this Rimmer. "I am Captain Usagi Tsukino, and welcome to the Starbug-1, a shuttle of the SS 'Red Dwarf'. But you can call me-"

"Wait," Ace said with hesitation. "If you are anything like MY Usagi, you're nickname is 'Bunny'."

"You know her?" Lister asked.

"I know her…and you, too, David Lister."

"How do you know this slob?" Rimmer asked.

Ace turns to see his holographic doppelganger.

"Ah, a handsomer version of yours truly," Ace said.

"Huh?"

"We can cut short the introduction," Ace said. "I noticed that you starboard engine is down."

"Um, yes," Usagi said. "We're about to do a system check before we begin the repairs."

"As much as going by the book is fine, we don't have to time for that. 'Action' is what we need."

"But-"

"If you are anything like the Usagi I know, you'll know what to do on instinct," Ace said.

"…"

"Skipper?" Lister asked, as he sees Usagi blush furiously.

"Um, so be it," Usagi said. She then turns towards Lister.

"Lister, use Ace's help to get that starboard engine up. In the meantime, Khryton, Holly and I will work on igniting the fuel matrix."

"What about me?" Rimmer asked.

"Just…entertain Cat or something," Usagi said.

"…"

After a successful return to Red Dwarf, it was learned that Ace Rimmer was a part of a special program, albeit "one way", to see if dimension jumping was possible. Furthermore, the jump was predicated on the fact that Ace would be drawn to another Arnold Rimmer was closest to him. That Rimmer turned out to be the Hologram Rimmer, who hated the fact that a single decision—whether or not to be kept back in primary school—enabled a Rimmer to become Ace Rimmer, a very successful test pilot. The irony is that it was Ace who was held back in school, rather than Hologram Rimmer. Being held back forced Ace to reassess his outlook, which enabled a chance meeting with his future mentor Ranma Saotome, which is how he met the other Usagi.

Still, H. Rimmer's jealousy was too much to take, so, after Usagi built a dimension homing device for Ace to use for a return trip home, though Ace wanted to do some more exploring for a while before he did return home…

A day later, after Ace Rimmer left the Red Dwarf, Rimmer was still upset at having met his "evil" doppelganger…

"I can't believe you all are still going on about that git," Rimmer said. "What does HE have that I don't?"

"Class," Usagi said with a sigh.

"A stellar record," said Fem-Holly with a sigh.

"And fashion sense," Cat said with a sigh.

"Sigh," all three sighed, again, in unison. "What a guy…"

"Heh, you got tough competition, Rimmer," Lister chuckled, while he was fixing a motor engine for his bike.

"Grrrr!"

Just then, Khryton enters the room.

"Sirs, lunch is ready-" Khryton said, before Rimmer exploded.

"Oh, choke on it, you smeg-head!" Rimmer said, as he storms out of the operations room.

"What…what did I say?" Khryton said with a bewildered look.

**Tbc.**


	5. Chapter 5

**SMST: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

**Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST, RD and other genres belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is a multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This chapter takes place during the later half of the fourth year of Usagi's stay aboard the mining ship, SS "Red Dwarf".**

* * *

**Part 5**

* * *

Aboard "Starbug-01", on the way back to the EMS "Red Dwarf", the crew was passing the time by watching old movies, specifically from the so-called "Golden Age" of cinema…

"Now, THIS is what I call entertainment," Lister said, as he snacks on some popcorn. "There is a story where the protagonist faces a challenge, overcomes the challenge and then gets the girl."

"But, what if the protagonist is a girl?" Usagi asked, as she takes a handful of popcorn. "What do call the film then?"

"Pornography?" Cat said, as he ate his fish sticks.

"Humph."

Soon, the film ends.

"I say, that was a wonderful film," Khryton said, as he turned up the lights. He then turns towards Lister.

"Don't you agree, sir?"

Suddenly, Lister broke down in tears, as he places his face in his hands.

"BWAH!"

"There, there," Usagi said with a sigh, as she held Lister while rubbing her crewmates' back.

"What's he blabbering about?" Rimmer asked.

"Obviously, you've never had to lose a love?" Usagi replied.

"What's the point of shedding tears for something I never had to experience?" Rimmer replied.

"You're telling US that you've never been in love, 'Goalpost'?" Cat asked.

"No."

"Are you sure, sir?" Khryton asked.

"Okay, I did have crush on my third grade creature Mrs. Taylor, but I don't have a 'strange' sensation in one's pants counts as true love."

"Okay, fine," said Lister, as he dried his tears. "Would you ever sacrifice anything for your 'true love', if you managed to find one?"

"Lister, you're talking to the person who traded what turned out to be worthless power crystal for the lot of you."

"Yeah, how can we forget THAT?" Usagi said incredulously. "Had I not 'took one for the team', we would still be stuck on that world."

"Oh, you know you wanted to 'do it' regardless."

"Hey, a lady never kiss and tells…"

"Yeah, a lady of the night."

"Humph!"

"Well, I can speak for the others, and I certainly won't speak for Rimmer, but I thank you for your timely intervention," Cat said.

"Sir, if I recall, you were offered a lifetime of fish as compensation for staying on that planet."

"Couldn't accept it," Cat said. "After all, I wouldn't want to abandon my friends."

Everyone turns towards Cat and gives him a funny look.

"What? I have my moments."

"Yes, sir, at the quantum level," Khryton said.

"YOU turning down fish is like Lister deciding that showering was a virtue," Rimmer replied. "Or Usagi abstaining for carnal pleasures of the flesh."

"You're just a hater," Usagi said as she stuck out her tongue at Rimmer.

"Hey, unless you're serious about that tongue of yours, put it away."

"Humph."

"Fact is, there is always a weakness when it comes to love, Rimmer," Lister said. "And just because you haven't found it yet, that doesn't mean that you would be immune to love."

"Ha, that'll be the day…"

"I hate to be a bother, but we have a possible unidentified flying object on approach," said Fem-Holly, as he face appeared on the monitor.

"Hol, can you determine its characteristics?" Lister asked.

"Well, if I knew the answers to that, it wouldn't be an unidentified flying object, right?"

"Riiight…"

"Holly, scan for the objects properties, and relay them to the primary station," Usagi said, as she goes to the cockpit. "Everyone, to your places…"

With everyone in their place, with Usagi in the center seat, the misfit crew of the "Red Dwarf" began their work.

"Sensors indicate that the object has no substance," Khryton said.

"Sounds like a certain 'Cat', we all know," Rimmer said with a smirk.

"Actually, sir, the characteristics are of a...'holoship'."

"A what?" Lister said.

"Of course," Usagi said, "I remember this."

"You know about the holoship?" Cat asked.

"I don't know about THIS particular ship, but do recall a project that the old United Federation of Planets had authorized."

"Do tell," Rimmer said.

Usagi tells the crew, confirmed by Khryten, that during the mid-25th century, holoships were created to determine if it was possible to forgo the need for sentient beings to travel beyond the normal reach of the Federation. With a ship made from light particles, there was no need for the usual necessities associated with long-term space travel. The ship's crew would consist of the very best minds. After all, copying a mind into a holographic matrix was an arduous undertaking, so only a select group was chosen to helm a fleet of holoships. Unfortunately, like the Augments before them, the Holograms rebelled from their intended purpose, and left for parts unknown to chart their own destinies, claiming that normal sentient beings were inferior creatures.

"And thus, the program was discontinued," Usagi replied. "As the saying goes, superior intellect breeds superior arrogance. We never knew what happened to them.

Lister then turns towards Rimmer.

"Save for the intellect part, I bet you would fit right in," Lister said with a grin.

"Feh," Rimmer replied dismissively.

FLASH!

The light source forms into a crystalline-like vessel that seemingly glistened in the dark reaches of space.

"I'm reading zero mass, mum," Khryten said.

"Yep," Usagi replied. "And if my eyes don't deceive me, I say that is the USS "Enlightenment", registry NCC-23523."

Rimmer turns towards Usagi.

"You ARE older than dirt, aren't you?" Rimmer scoffed.

"And I look GOOD, too," Usagi said with a wink and a smile.

And then, a beam of light from the holoship scans the Starbug-01…

"We're being scanned!" Cat said. "We got to raise shields!"

"Uh, sir, that is an excellent suggestion, but there is two problems with that," Khryten said. "One, the shields are still out, and, two, the shields will be out until we get back to 'Red Dwarf'."

"That's the same thing."

"Well, I figured I wanted to stress that point in order to make sure that your lack of comprehensive skills doesn't override your judgment."

"Good idea," Cat said, oblivious to the implication of Khryten's words…

As soon the light scan enveloped Rimmer, he glowed a bit, and disappeared.

"Rimmer!" Usagi said.

"He's gone!" Lister said.

"Quick, let's get out of here before they send him back!" Cat replied, which elicited stares from Usagi. "What?"

"As annoying as Rimmer is, he is the First Officer, and he is a valued member of the crew," Usagi said, which warranted stares from Lister, Cat and Khryten. "Hey, just trying to say words of encouragement, you know-"

"Guys, someone is beaming unto this ship," Holly said. "Quite possibly from same source the abducted Rimmer-"

"Whatever it is, it's materializing in the back," Lister said. "Come on!"

TING!

As soon as the crew arrived, a Black man, dressed in a lacer gold/red space suit, with the familiar Strafleet arrowed on the chest, appears.

"Huh," the man said, as he took out his scanner. He then began to speak into his scanner.

"Binks to Enlightenment: Derelict model registers as the Starbug-class shuttle series that was discontinued due to design flaws…"

He then sees the crew.

"Addendum: Apparently, there is sentient life on this vessel after all. Will endeavor to further this investigation."

"Hi," Usagi said, as she extended her hand in friendship. "I'm-"

"Binks to Enlightenment: inspecting crew now. Crew consisting of a run-down mechanoid, a slightly used Moon Princess, a half-as-smart 'Felis Sapien' and a human with hygienic problems."

"Hey!" Usagi said. "We're here, you know!"

Lister, perturbed by this, takes out his pack of cigarettes, and uses it to mock the scout.

"Lister to Red Dwarf: we have encountered a complete, unmitigated SMEG git," Lister said. "Brains in the anal region, lack of chin, and, based upon his unitard, is lacking in genitalia."

The scout slowly turns to look at Lister, while Usagi and crew chuckled.

"Addendum: it appears that said human displays humor. Mostly likely reason why the Moon Princess keeps him around, possibly as a bed warmer."

"Lister to Red Dwarf: guest appears to be spoiling for a rumble. Guest seems to be unable to grasp simple threats."

"Binks to Enlightenment: primitive human thinks that he could make threats to a hologram."

"Lister to Red Dwarf: Guest has no idea that crew, specifically the Skipper, taken as a souvenir from the planet 'Es-en-em' on her last vacation, has possession of a holo-whip capable of tearing guest's backside."

SNAP!

The hologram turns to see Usagi with her whip, as it glowed softly.

"Don't worry," Usagi said with a mischievous smile. "I'll be gentle."

"Self to Enlightenment: abort mission! Auto-recall-!"

TING!

"Well, that went well," Khryten said. "But Mr. Lister is still missing."

"Actually, I have the means for us to find him," Usgai said, as she sets down her whip.

"But how?" Cat asked. "According to you and 'Eraser-head', the entire ship and crew are made from light."

"Wait, I know!" Lister said. "We can modify the cerebral nodes, the ones we use to engage the virtual reality program, to create additional holograms, or avatars. We can then beam aboard that ship."

Everyone gives Lister a funny look.

"What?"

"Sir, it's just you have rarely displayed an interest in anything other than making sure that the vending machines continue to supply you your chicken curry dinners," Khryten said.

"Well, for your information, upon the suggestion of Usagi here, I have since expanded my knowledge base."

"Well, I appreciate that, Lister," Usagi said. "Now, if I can get you to stop taking peeps at me, then I can say we're making progress."

"Huh, thanks."

**Tbc.**


	6. Chapter 6

**SMST 30: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

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**

**Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST and others belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This outing takes place during the events of Series 5 of "Red Dwarf". **

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**Part 6**

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It has been two hundred years since the events of the Holoship encounter by the erstwhile crew of the mining ship Red Dwarf. So, what is going on with our heroes in such a present state?

"I can't believe that I gave ALL that up…for love," H. Rimmer said with a sigh, as he sat in his quarters aboard the Starbug. For the past few months, they have been following a feint ion trail "There must be something wrong with my holo-matrix or something…"

"Look at this way," Dave Lister said, as he continued to shine his boots. "You would have missed us."

"I seriously doubt that I would miss you and your habit of picking your hair nose with salad clamps. But seriously, all that opportunity for sex: gone. And I would even have to try too hard to get into the sack."

"Well, since your birthday is coming up, Rimmer, I'll take one for the team," Usagi Tsukino said, as she continued to look at her notes for the day's manifest.

"You would…give me a freebee?" Rimmer asked.

"Eh," Usagi shrugged. "Consider this as more of a new experience for me, since you're the last theoretical male on this ship."

"Wait a minute," Rimmer said. "You're telling me that you slept with Cat?"

"Eh, I was bored."

"And the skipper slept with Khryton, too," Lister points out.

"You slept with a machine?"

"Hey, this is the future. I believe in opportunities, and I certainly don't believe in discrimination based upon origin of species."

Pause.

"And I don't have to worry about Khryton having a lack of stamina like Dave here."

"Aw, come on, now," Lister protested. "I was good, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, for the first five minutes, before you fell asleep," Usagi said.

"Humph!"

"Great, just great," Rimmer said. "Between 'sloppy seconds' here and the walking, industrial strength that is Khryton, I don't know if I can handle you using me as you 'pogo stick'."

"Hey, the offer still stands," Usagi said. "Think of it as your proverbial 'Golden Ticket'."

"More like second-hand copper ticket…"

Pause.

"Bottom line, I will NEVER find myself as a notch on your belt, 'Skipper'."

"Suit yourself…"

"Don't worry about Rimmer," Lister said, as he leans over towards Usagi. "He's just concerned about his health."

"Health?" Usagi said, as she looks over towards over Rimmer, who was rotating Chinese medicine balls in his hands…

"Yes, he's having stress related issues."

"For a person playing with his balls, he seems to be alright…"

"Hey, guys!" said Cat, as he and Khryton came running into Lister and Rimmer's room. "You would believe we just found!"

"What IS it, now?" Rimmer asked. "Khryton found new ways to make lent usable?"

"No, sir, that's for next week's agenda," said the mechanoid. "Actually, we appear to be on an intercept course with a derelict 'Simulant' starship…"

A Simulant were murderous androids that took on the racial characteristics of their prey, which is why they mostly assume humanoid forms. Some say that they were related to Reploids who survived the Machine Wars of the early 22nd century, when, under the command of UN Spacy Captain Ranma Saotome, Jr., had destroyed the network that orchestrated by the Machinist, a cyborg who sought to destroy biological life because of his hatred of it…

"Is it the same one we ran into recently, Khryton?" Usagi asked.

"Unknown. The ship appeared to have suffered damage from years ago. However, long-range sensors do detect temporal distortion in this sector."

"Maybe we should just go around the anomally?" Rimmer asked.

"We might lose the trail of the Red Dwarf."

"I just want to see if there are any fish in storage," Cat said with a toothy grin.

"Why would the Simulants have food aboard ship?" Rimmer asked.

"For prisoners, sir," Khryton said. "They are sadistic enough to torture their 'guests' for days at a time, which is why they would want to have food on hand."

"Works for me," Lister said.

"Are you two mad?" Rimmer said. "If the temporal distortions don't get us, that ship will."

"Rimmer, without the comfort of the Red Dwarf, we are limited in our supplies," Usagi said.

"And you owe us after you insisted on selecting last night's activity for 'crew morale'," Cat said.

"I would think that talking about my family is something that you all can appreciate."

"It was nothing more than a rant on how you were the runt of the lot," Lister said. "Happy times, they were not."

"Yeah, makes me want to spay MYSELF, just on principle," Cat said.

"And me getting my tubes tied," Usagi said. "But, that's neither here nor there. "We're going to pay that ship a visit, and that's that."

"Humph," Rimmer groused.

With Khryton back on the Starbug to supervise operations, since no one exactly trusted Rimmer (incompetent) or Cat (irresponsible) to take the operation seriously, the rest of the Red Dwarf crew went down to the Simulant craft…

BRRRRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGG…

"Well, this place is a mess," Usagi said, as she shined her flashlight about. Junk was strewn all over the corridor…

"Kind of like Lister's room," Cat said.

"On a GOOD day," Rimmer said.

"Whatever," Lister said.

"Settle down, boys," Usagi said, as she touches her communication unit.

CHIRP!

"Khryton, have you've been able to establish an accurate sensor net?"

"I have, thanks to your Tricorder," Khryton said over the secured line. "The structure of the ship identifies as the same Simulant ship we ran into earlier."

"This place is old," Rimmer interjects. "Are you sure you have the right head screwed on?"

"Positive, sir."

"It must be that temporal distortion effect in the area," Lister said.

"That is correct, sir."

"Are we in any danger, Khryton?" Usagi asked.

"Not at the moment, although it is difficult in maintaining a transporter lock on you guys. Furthermore, the integrity of the ship itself is so unstable that anything could set it off."

"Like the Skipper and her 'Hello Kitty' collection, perhaps?" Rimmer said in a snarky way.

"Okay, lower the beam strength, and concentrate on beaming the cargo back to the Starbug," Usagi said, as she turned to face her crew while giving Rimmer a dirty look. "Feed the sensors to everyone's PADDs. Use your discretion if we run into trouble."

"Affirmative, and standing-by," Khryton said. "Khryton: out."

CHIRP!

"Well, guys. You have your assignments. Rimmer, you're with me."

"With you?" Rimmer said as he made a face. "What are you, my nursemaid?"

"Rimmer, I want to get access to the ship's data archives," Usagi said. "I would think that the 'First Officer' would want to have more responsibilities in areas that HE is capable of executing."

"Really?"

"Yes. You being a hologram will help get that archive."

"So, I'm just a tool?"

"I'm been saying that for years," Cat said.

"Rimmer-" Usagi began to say.

"No, let's just get going," Rimmer said, as he walks down the corridor.

"Don't feel bad, Usagi," Lister said.

"But he's misunderstanding my point-"

Just then, Rimner returns.

"Um, where are we supposed to go again?" Rimmer asked.

"HE misunderstands A LOT," Cat said.

Usagi could only sigh in response…

Over the next few hours, the crew began to load up supplies, food and otherwise, while Usagi and Rimmer retrieved the data core…

"Done," Usagi said, as she puts the data module into her pack. "You can come out now…"

A series of light particles leaves the computer, and reformulates into a solid hologram.

"Thank goodness for that," Rimmer said. "The anti-hacking protocols are just as murderous as their Simulant masters…"

"Well, all's well, that ends well-"

CLAK!

"Um," Rimmer said, as his eyes widened.

"Rimmer, what's wrong?" Usagi said.

"Um," Rimmer said again, as he points behind Usagi.

"There's someone behind me, isn't there?" Usagi said, as she slowly turns to the source of the disturbance.

"We meet again, Captain Tsukino," said a female cyborg killing machine in a deep voice.

"I don't recognize you."

"You do not because my original body was destroyed," the Simulant said, as she points her gun at Usagi. "After what you did, there was only my functional central processing unit and a spare body."

"I don't understand," Rimmer said.

"It's the captain of this ship, now in the body of a fembot," Usagi said.

"So she's a Swede?"

"I may not have failed in destroying the Moon Princess the last time, but I believe in…second chances."

"Well, in that case…WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-!"

Usagi's famous cry-baby wail sets off a chain reaction, as Simulant's ship begin to shake violent. Debris crashes on top of the Simulant.

CRASH!

"Let's get out of here," Usagi said, as she and Rimmer leave the auxiliary control room.

"You think?" Rimmer said, as he ran down the hall after Usagi.

And then, Usagi's communicator beeps.

CHIRP!

"Talk to me," Usagi said.

"What happened?" Lister asked over the line.

"Ran into a rogue Simulant," Usagi replied. "How much cargo did you beam up?"

"We're almost done."

"Well, get what you can-"

CHIRP!

"Khryton: here," said the mechanoid over the same line. "The Simulant ship is breaking up, and I can't get an accurate lock on you and Mr. Rimmer's position."

"Concentrate on Dave and Cat's position and cargo, and beam them out of there. We passed an intact space pod that the Simulants absconded, while we were on our way to the auxiliary room. We'll use that."

"Can't you teleport?" Lister said.

"I don't want to risk doing so in an area of space that is racked with temporal disturbances. We'll try the pod first."

"Understood," Khryton said. "We'll stand by."

"See you back at the Starbug, Skipper. Lister: out."

CHIRP!

"I hope you know what you're doing, 'Captain'," Rimmer said, as he and Usagi stop at the entrance of the escape pod.

"So do I…"

In the nick of time, both the escape pod and the Starbug leave the immediate area, just as the Simulant's warship explodes.

BA-THOOM!

Unfortunately, the explosion causes the pod to move closer to the horizon of the temporal anomaly: a wormhole.

"NOW you've done it," Rimmer said.

"Shut up, Rimmer," Usagi said. She then got a handle of the controls, and began to patch the link to the Starbug.

"Usagi to Starbug," Usagi said.

CHIRP!

"Starbug," Lister said over the line. "How are you two holding up?"

"Lousy," Rimmer said. "I'm stuck here while inching my way towards certain doom."

"What's our position?"

"We won't be able to reach you in time," Khryten said.

"Now, we're doom," Rimmer said, as he began to message his meditation balls…

"However, your pod registers as belonging to a 'seeding ship'," Khryten said. "Wherever you're heading, you'll have the means to survive."

"How long before you guys can get to us?" Usagi asked.

"Well, that's the problem. I project that, due to the time dilation effect, we won't get to you and Rimmer for another few days, but one thousand years could easily pass for you two."

"I see…"

There was silence on the channel…

"What about me?" Rimmer said. "My hard-light emitter won't last."

"You got the means of charging up your batteries, thanks to the solar panels on the pod," Lister said.

"In other words, you're going to use the cigarette lighter."

"Can't be choosey."

"Okay, then," Usagi said. "We'll see you on the other side."

"Good luck, Skipper," Lister said. "Over and out."

CHIRP!

On the Starbug…

"Well, hopefully, those two won't kill each other while waiting for a rescue," Lister said.

"I'm betting on the Skipper to win THAT fight," Cat said.

"Huh…"

"Well, if it's a bet, then it's a sucker bet," Khryten said.

"On that, I agree…"

**Tbc.**


	7. Chapter 7

**SMST 30: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

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* * *

**

**Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST and others belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This outing takes place during the events of Series 5 of "Red Dwarf".**

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**

**Part 7**

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**

Upon emerging from the wormhole, the escape pod from the now-destroyed Simulant's warship immediately comes upon an uninhabited world.

"It looks like God has forsaken us," Rimmer lamented.

"I thought you didn't believe in a deity," Usagi said, as she prepared to perform an analysis on the planet.

"I don't, but HE doesn't have to know it."

"Oh-kay," Usagi replied in disbelief at the inane response. "But why do you assume that God is male? God could very well be female."

"Yeah, right. Although, all those acts of divine retribution could be explained away as the cosmic equivalent of PMS."

"Before I strangle you with that sexist remark, I want you to do a spot check on our supplies, since we'll be stuck on this world for at least 600 years."

"God, I can't wait to see how creepy you'll look in the end," Rimmer said.

"I don't age, you idiot! And if you aren't nice to me, I might have your holomatrix reconfigured into something useful."

"And what's that?"

"A 'massager', if you get my drift, and that's probably the closest you'll ever get to a woman for the next six centuries. Understood?"

"Yeah, yeah," Rimmer said. "Doing a supply check…now…"

A few minutes later, the pod lands safely…in a desert wasteland.

"Well, shouldn't worry too much about trying to stay alive, since the planet below is 'Class L': barely supporting life," Usagi said.

"How is that livable?" Rimmer replied. "All I see is a vast wasteland."

"Wait, this pod is from a have terraformer ship, right?"

"Yes…"

"So, if I recall, there are eco-acceleration rockets around here?"

"Wait, I believe so," Rimmer said, as he rummages through the supply stock. "Got it!"

"Well, that's a start, I guess."

"But that's assuming that there is some rudimentary life out there to build upon," Rimmer said.

"Way ahead of you," Usagi said, as she takes out a pin knife, and pricks it, spilling blood unto a Petri dish. "See? Plenty of life in that one drop of blood. We can use it as a life matrix for the rock."

"And death, considering the amount of STDs you probably picked up over the years since I've known you," Rimmer said.

"Haha, funny man. Now, are you in or not?"

"Fine. What are we going to call this place anyway?"

"We should call it…'Hope', as in 'I hope the Starbug rescue us as soon as possible'."

"Uh, no."

"Then 'New Earth' perhaps?"

"I'll agree to THAT," Rimmer said. "So, let's shake on it."

"Right," Usagi said, as she shook Rimmer's hand. "So, let's get to work…"

A week later, a Class L planet is transformed into a Class M paradise.

"Beautiful," Usagi said, as she smelled the exotic flowers. "Imagine all this coming from my drop of blood, mixed in with the protozoa, bacteria and other nascent bio-chemical compounds."

"It is indeed," Rimmer said proudly.

Pause.

"So, why not create people, too?"

"Why? We got plenty to eat and many places to explore."

"But there is just the two of us, though."

"Hmmm, you got a point. Okay, let's do it."

"You mean…us?" Rimmer said excitedly.

"No, idiot, I'm talking about creating our own Adam and Eve. Well, it could be Adam and Steve, if you swing that way. No offense, considering I, heh, did my experimenting back in college."

"I don't NEED to hear about your exploits, feather-brain! I'm sure you can use your blood as the basis for a new civilization, you know."

"Fine, fine," Usagi said, as she looks around the lush jungle. "We have the materials around here to reenact the traditional creation story of humanity."

"Why not just knock yourself up or something?"

"And mess up this body? Please. I worked too hard to look this good…"

Months later…

"Look," Usagi said, as she pointed to the cocoon that was in the middle of the forest, from a hiding location. "I think the coccoon is about to hatch."

"I don't see why we have to hide, you know," Rimmer replied, as he peered through his telescope. "We created them so that we could interact with them."

"And we will, once they have established a viable civilization. And I told you that we have an opportunity to witness the birth of a new world, free from the baggage of old."

Soon, the cocoon hatches, and out sprung a clone of Usagi, and a clone of Rimmer. They look around, and then at each other…

"Aw, it looks like they'll get along," Usagi said.

"If you mean by strangling each other, then you're right," Rimmer said drolly.

"Maybe we should intervene after all…"

Years later, the Starbug arrives from beyond the wormhole.

"Sir, I detect no damage to ship," Kryten said, as he checked the ship's systems.

"Good," Lister said. "We can get the Skipper and Rimmer out of their jam soon enough."

"Guys, I'm detecting life signs and a high-level of activity on the planet's surface," Cat replied. "I'm switching on the cloaking field, and activating the stabilizers."

"Sirs, I just had a horrible thought," Kryten said. "Either Captain Tsukino and Mr. Rimmer were lucky to find civilization, or…oh, I can't bear the thought."

"I can't either," Lister said. "Let's just find a place to park…"

Soon, the Starbug lands in a wooded area.

"So far, so good," Lister said. He then turns towards Kryten.

"Are you picking up anything?"

"Yes, as matter of fact I am," Kryten said, as three Rimmer(s) appeared.

"Halt, deviants!" one Rimmer, dressed in Centurion armor said, as his compatriots surrounded the crew of Red Dwarf.

"Rimmer?" Lister said.

"He doesn't smell like goal-post head," Cat said.

"Nor do any of the Rimmer appear to be holograms," Kryten said.

"Then there is only one thing to do," Lister said, as he looks at the Centurion. "Take us to your leader…"

But upon entering the throne room, they are surprised to see more Rimmer clones, as well as Usagi clones.

"Based upon the development of this civilization, we are clearly in High Roman era," Kryten said. "In fact, it appears that the male and female templates will always supersede the natural state of genetics."

"Which is why the children born from the union—brrrrrr!—of Usagi and Rimmer will always look like, well, Usagi and Rimmer," Lister said.

"I can do without the Rimmer(s)," Cat said, as he looks at a pair of Usagi(s) who were carrying water jugs on their heads to market. "But I could stay a bit for the girls here."

"Business first," Lister said.

A prostitute who was standing outside of a bathhouse, waves at Lister seductively.

"And then pleasure…"

"Sir, must you think about your biological imperative at a moment like this?" Kryten asked.

"Hey, it's not every day that I can get with the Skipper, you know."

"Actually, sir, you that every other day."

"And I get holidays," Cat grins.

"Gawd, we're so hard up," Lister said, as he shakes his head in disgust…

Upon entering the court to face judgment by the Primus, they are instead greeted by a familiar face…

"I present to you the Goddess-Queen, Empress Usagi Primus!" said one of the Rimmer's.

Lister, Cat and Kryten stood there and gawked at their friend.

"Is she…?" Lister asked.

"She smells right," Cat said.

"I wonder what happened to Mr. Rimmer?" Kryten wondered.

"Your Excellency, we found these men in the forbidden woods," said the Centurion. "We do not recognize them as one of us."

"That's because they are not from this world," Usagi said, as she looks at her old friends.

Pause.

"Guys!" Usagi said, as she leaves her throne, and embraces her old friends.

"Your Excellency, you should not mix in with these deviants," said a stern version of Rimmer.

"Minister, these are my friends, okay?" Usagi said. "I knew them before this world came to be."

"Ah, from the 'Time Before'," the Rimmer said.

"So, I see you hooked up with Hockey-Head," Cat said.

"Phff, no, I didn't," Usagi scoffed. "Maybe one or two of his descendents, I suppose…"

"Then, what happened?" Lister asked.

Usagi quickly explained how she and Rimmer attempted to create a civilization, only to have Rimmer's worst personality traits coming to the forefront. Eventually, Rimmer broke that partnership, and took over, forcing Usagi and her followers, who believed in love and justice over avarice and cowardice, into uncharted territories. Time would pass, and "Pax Rimmer" its territory as well, only to run into the "Usagi Nation". And while the Usagi Nation had no intentions to invade Pax Rimmer, they did respond to the invasion of their territories. Using her leadership, Usagi's forces defeated Rimmers. In the end, both Pax Rimmer and Usagi Nation were formally abolish to pave way for the Free States of New Earth, and since then, Usagi has been hard at work in instituting the necessary reforms to achieve a more lasting peace on that world.

"That is quite a story, Captain," Kryten said. "But what ever happened to Mr. Rimmer?"

"You didn't off him, did you?" Lister asked with worry.

"Considering how much of a megalomaniac he became, he should have been punished properly," Usagi said, as she talks off her fancy jewel from around her neck.

"That's goal-post head's light bead," Cat said.

"I put his power on 'cycle mode', so he won't have missed anything," Usagi said, as she tosses the holo-bead to Lister. "And don't worry; I don't hold grudges towards jack-asses. Much."

"Huh," Lister said, as he looks at the Rimmer's light bead.

"So what now, mum?" Kryten said.

"Well, you guys are welcome to sample this world, while I prepare for the transition of power," Usagi said.

"Good, because I saw a cute little number just before we got to the palace," Cat said, as he turns to leave the throneroom.

"Some things never change, I guess," Usagi said with a contented sigh.

**Tbc.**

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**Next time: Series 6! **


	8. Chapter 8

**SMST 30: Red Moon! – By DS Wynne**

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**Disclaimer: R1/2, SM, ST and others belong to their respective owners.**

**Note: This is multi-genre story.**

**Special Note: This outing takes place during the events of Series 6 of "Red Dwarf".**

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**Part 8**

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Two-hundred years later…

"Blimey," Lister said, as he gets up. His hair was overgrown, and his nails, both on his hands and feet, reminded him of one of his former girlfriends who worked at an Asian nail-and-hair salon.

"Man, I wished there was a Guinness Book of World Records group or something," Lister said, as he looked over at himself. "I probably could have set a record or two…"

Just then, then door to his cabin opens, revealing a strange-looking creature. It had blond hair flowing down to the floor, and it reminded Lister of the character "Cousin It" from the old television show, "The Addams Family".

"What?" Lister said, as he crept backwards, thinking that the creature was some kind of monster.

"Mmmmpphhh!" the creature replied.

"What? I can't understand ya."

Long finger nails poked out of the mass of hair, and parted said hair.

"I said, 'Get clean up'," Usagi said, as she held her hair back.

"Oh, Skipper, it's you," Lister said with a relaxed sigh. He had forgotten that everyone was placed in cryo-sleep, ever since the mining ship, "SS Red Dwarf" had been mysteriously stolen while the crew was on a survey mission.

"Yeah, fancy that," Usagi replied sarcastically. "Anyway, Khryton thinks we can take a short cut through an asteroid field, which could allow us to catch up to the Red Dwarf."

"Oh, alright," Lister said. "By the way, should I start calling you 'Repunzel' or something?"

"Sure you can, if you want to only eat the flavorless rations, Dave."

"Touché…"

Later, after the crew gets re-acclimated to their surroundings, the Star-Bug-1, one of Red Dwarf's heavy shuttles enters the asteroid field, only to pick up a warning beacon…

"Mum, I'm detecting a warning beacon," Khryton said, as he zeroes unto a warning beacon.

"Obviously, if that thing out there says 'Warning Beacon' on its side facing us," Rimmer replied sarcastically.

"I wonder what it says," Kat replied, as he sniffs the air.

"What are you doing?"

"I am sensing an uneasy presence," Kat said, as he continued to sniff the air. "I sense death and destruction…as if men's souls were rendered asunder."

"So, you smell Lister's room already?"

"Naw, it's probably the stink of failure to secure promotions through the method of 'brown-nosing'," Lister replied.

"Now, now, no need for the bickering," Usagi said, as she mapped out the shuttle's trajectory for optimal signal strength, due to the asteroid field's density ratio. "Let's see what we have here…"

Upon establishing a link with the warning buoy, the crew receives a video that gave them some pertinent information. One, there was a brief glimpse of a man being attacked by some insect creature, which followed by a make-shift cue-card written in blood, and, two, what was gave the crew pause.

"'Psiren'?" Rimmer said, after he read the words aloud. "I wonder what that mean?"

"It means that this asteroid field could be a trap," Usagi said.

"But consider this," Khryton said. "That man in the video was human, and the video is recent."

"What does that mean?" Kat asked.

"It means that there could still be humans in this time," Lister said excitedly. "I don't know about you all, but that's exciting."

"Why?" Usagi asked.

"It means that I don't have to pine for you anymore."

"In other words, you can hound other women."

"Precisely, Skipper. Don't get me wrong, but I like variety."

"Feh. I swear, you're hornier that George Michaels if he visited the YMCA on a lark."

"And you can control your urges."

"I am a woman, my friend. Women aren't as visual as men are when it comes to…THAT."

Ultimately, Usagi would fail to uphold the standards of women-kind, although one would say that it was a good thing that she failed so miserably.

Upon being contacted on one of the asteroids, the crew of Red Dwarf came upon a transmission depicting a bevy of lovely ladies, and-

"R-Ranma?" Usagi said, as she looked surprised.

"Hey, there," Ranma said in a husky voice, as he lay back in a lounge sofa with beautiful women draped around him. "It's good to see you again, Usagi."

"Wow, imagine that," Rimmer said with a grin. "It looks like someone else already planted a flag on your virgin soil, Lister."

"Hey, I'm sure this…guy can share," Lister replied.

"Sir, are you sure you would want to have unprotected relations?" Khryton asked.

"At this point, I'm so wound up that I could care less that my junk falls off."

"Considering with whom you have been sleeping with, I'm surprise that it hasn't already," Rimmer said, as he grins towards Usagi's direction, only to see that she was not in her seat. "Usagi?"

"Where did 'Goldilocks' go?" Kat said, as he looked about the crew cabin.

"Sirs, look!" Khryton said, as he points to the screen. "She must have teleported over to that asteroid…"

On screen, everyone bears witness to Usagi's ravaging of the aliens pretending to Ranma Saotome and his harem of girls. Unfortunately for the aliens, who thought to lure the crew of Red Dwarf to their doom, failed to realize two fundamental truths. One, Usagi, being an enhanced being, tends to hold back whenever she is involved with the crew on an intimate level, since they were normal beings…more or less. And, two, they failed to realize whenever Usagi is with her beloved Ranma, she doesn't hold back…at all.

"Come here, you!" Usagi said, in the transmission, as she rips off her jumpsuit in a single move, and lands on the aliens. "I've been waiting for this for two hundred years-!"

"Yahhhhhhhhhh!" cried the aliens, just as they realized their mistake.

"Oh, yeah!" Usagi said, not caring whether or not her crewmates were watching her in action. Besides, it's not like she hasn't been with any of them since she's known them…

"Oh, dear," Rimmer said.

"Oh, dear is right," Kat said, as he turned his head. "I didn't know she could do…THAT."

"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" Usagi laughed, as she worked over the aliens…in that special way.

"Help us!" cried one of the aliens, as he revealed his true form: a telepathic insect. "Please-!"

"I'm scared!" Lister said in fright.

"I'm must say that the Captain is putting out a lot of energy in that…act of hers," Khryton said, as he scanned Usagi's bio-signature. "Enough to power the Star-Bug for a week, in fact."

"Thanks for the info, I guess…"

Later, after the aliens allowed the Star-Bug to go on its way unmolested, a distraught Usagi moans about her…behavior involving the Psirens.

"Oh, gawd, I feel SO embarrassed," Usagi said, as she plots her head down on the console in the recreation room. "I can't believe I lost control like that."  
"Well, to be fair, it's the Psiren's fault," Lister said, as he munches on his breakfast cereal. "According to Khryton, these aliens' telepathy tapped into our base desires, which is how they were able to lower your inhibitions."

"So, I desire to be a complete…you-know-what?"

"No," Lister said, as he sits down next to his long-time friend. "It means that you really love this Ranma Saotome guy."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't love my Ranma quite as much?"

"Perhaps. But look on the bright side: at least we know that you're just as messed up as the rest of us losers. And THAT, my dear, makes you just as human."

"Gee, thanks…"

From there, the crew continues on their way, in their search for Red Dwarf.

After an encounter with a robot manservant named "Legion", who tried to keep the crew hostage permanently, only to be tricked into letting them go after Usagi used the infamous "Captain Kirk Logic Loop" against the automaton, the crew ran into another ship filled with murderous Simulants. Although the encounter was brief, the Simulants uploaded a computer virus—called the "Armageddon Virus"—that would nearly cause the Star-Bug to explode. Thankfully, Khryton came upon the means to develop a counter-measure to the virus, by using his own mechanical system as the platform to develop the counter-measure. However, concerned for their friend's safety, Usagi suggested that they help Khryton by using a Western theme as juxtaposition for Khryton's attempt to fashion new anti-virus software. Thus, the virus would be depicted in the form of a gang known as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", while Khryton and everyone else stopped them, in their unique way…

The saloon in the town of 'Laredo' was bustling with activity, since the audience was waiting for their star attraction to show up.

"And now, introducing the star attraction of our show: MISS BUNNY!" yelled the host.

The curtain draws open, showing Usagi dressed in a sexy burlesque outfit. She had one leg on a chair, her dance cane on the stage floor, and held her top hat on her head with another hand. As the music from the piano began to play, she slowly looks up, before turning towards the audience. Her role was to give the others time to sober "Sheriff Serenity"—aka Khryten—in time to remember what he was suppose to do, in order to prepare an antivirus. She then began to sing her song…

_Here I stand, the goddess of desire, setting men on fire._

_I have this power…_

_Morning, noon, and night, it's drink and dancing._

_Some quick romancing…_

_And then take shower._

_Stage door Johnnies constantly surround me. _

_They always hound me, with one request._

_Who can satisfy their lustful habits? I'm not a wabbit._

_I need some rest…_

As Usagi continued her song, she gets the all clear signal from Lister, that Khryten is ready to face the Simulant's virus programs. She then continued her song in her best Marlene Dietrich impersonation…

_I've been with thousands of men, again and again…_

_Sometimes, with women, to change the mood, if I can…_

_They promise the moon, but they're always coming and going and going and coming... _

_And always too soon, of course…_

Usagi gives the audience a knowing glance.

"Right, girls?" Usagi said with a grin, receiving a bevy of laughter from the audience in the process.

"Hey!" Lister yelled. "That's between me and you!"

"Ha! As if that little info is unknown to the rest of the crew…"

Nevertheless, thanks to buying Khryten enough time to act, although there were a few missteps in the process, the Armageddon virus was eliminated, thus preventing an unfortunate disaster of crashing into a lava planet in the process.

A week later…

"…And no longer can I deal with a tyrant who feels the need to be an arrogant slag," Rimmer said, as he continued to rant off his complaints at the weekly 'Morale Meeting', which he lobbied hard to institute.

"Tell me how you really feel," Usagi said with a smirk.

"That's all I have to say for now."

"It's a good thing, too, sir," Khryten said, as he had been monitoring the sensor grid during the meeting.

"What's happening?" Lister asked.

"We're running into an 'unreality mindfield'," Khryten replied. "And this one's intense."

"Stations, everyone," Usagi said, as they got up. Most of the complaints were directed at her, since she was commanding the ship. Thus, any distraction was a blessing in disguise…

"Hopefully, we won't get caught up in a reality bubble, which could screw up our perceptions."

"Tell me about it," Kat said. "The last thing we need is me getting into a pocket reality where I end up lamer than 'Goal-Post Head'."

"Ha, ha," Rimmer said. "I'm laughing…"

In spite of some weird missteps, including getting caught up in a reality where Lister was a android, and Usagi was a man, they managed to make it out of the field of unreality mines.

"Man, I'm glad we got over that snag," Kat said.

"Yeah, in spite of nearly getting permanently caught up in all that," Lister said, as he leans back. "I wonder what the source of this malaise is," Rimmer asked.

"Sir, I believe I have found our answer," Lister said sheepishly. He was still trying to apologize for making Lister serve him, back when everyone thought that Lister was an android.

"What do you got?" Usagi said.

Had the crew of Red Dwarf knew what was facing them ahead, they would have turned away from what will be their most harried adventure yet.

**Tbc.**

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**Author's Note: Usagi's burlesque act is based upon the musical by the character Lili Von Shtupp, from the Mel Brooks movie "Blazing Saddles". It's an old film, but it is cleverly written to the point that I don't think can be duplicated in today's politically correct environment. But check it out anyway.**

**Next Time: Series 7!**


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